Wear gaudy shoes that look very obviously NOT leather.
When you go out to eat with non-vegans, be sure to harass waiters about whether there is butter or milk in the free bread that they’ve placed on your table. Personal purity is way more important than showing your dining companions that being vegan isn’t a big deal. Oh, and whey. Don’t forget about whey. That shit’ll kill ya, bro! Also, make faces of disgust when your dining companions eat or order non-vegan food. Excuse yourself to have a cry in the bathroom if you need to.
When you refer to non-vegan food, use the most offensive term for that food as possible. Carcass, corpse, secretion, udder secretion, chicken period, dead animal, you know the drill, young vegan. Always speak in ways that sound like little soundbites that you’ve memorized.
Wear clothing, and patches on your clothing and backpack, that challenge the speciesist attitudes of this fucked up world. “Meat Is Murder” is a good choice. It’s nice and subtle and it will draw open-minded people in for a conversation so they can probe your nuanced thoughts. If you run out of things to talk about, discuss whether the opposite is also true: is murder meat?
Start bringing up veganism whenever possible. One of the great things about veganism is that it’s about food, and people love to talk about food, so you have dozens of opportunities to ruin conversations every week! Even when the topic isn’t food, a good vegan will find a way. Clothes? DUH!!! Sports? The ball might be leather. Politics? Farm subsidies. The weather? Sheep and cows are sometimes left out in the cold. Feminism? Dairy cows are female, duh! The resourceful vegan will find a way. Trust me, people really want to talk about veganism and animal torture whether they know it or not, especially while they’re eating.
Say things like “that just isn’t food to me.”
If you ever have to skip a meal or wait until later because you don’t have access to vegan food, be sure to do one of two things: either complain loudly or sit in total silence while looking really hungry. This will show non-vegans how fucking serious of a person you are. Feel the pain. Love it. You’re doing it for the animals, and they appreciate it.
You know what? Fuck this! Eating with non-vegans is just too much! Stop doing it whenever possible.
As much as possible, try to stop hanging out with non-vegans. You’ll probably have to see your parents and immediate family from time to time, but you can make the best of it by refusing to eat at the same table as them and commenting on how the Thanksgiving turkey smells like a carcass.
Vegan clothing is great, but if you’re really committed to this life, you should consider getting a “Vegan” tattoo. They’re great conversation starters (and enders). And don’t hide it. Prominent places that are rarely covered by clothing like your elbow and forearm are pretty good choices. But if you really, really love animals, you’ll get it on your fucking neck. You might think that it’s weird to put your dietary preference on your face, but a lot of non-vegans are doing it now too. It’s quite common. You just haven’t noticed it because you already stopped hanging out with non-vegans months ago, right? Right? Poseur.
When you encounter a sad picture or description of something bad happening to an animal, always try to make your emotional response to it even more emotional than everyone else’s. If your friends get mad, get livid! If your friends get sad, cry. Be inconsolable. Wail. Inflicting physical harm on yourself is the next step. You can start light, maybe wear a hairshirt or just do some light self-flagellation. But if you really care, pulling your beating heart out of your chest and eating it would be The Ultimate Sacrifice!
Overall, just try to be MORE vegan than your vegan friends and your vegan street cred will go sky high. Never miss an opportunity to express a view that is more extreme or an opinion that is harder and more unbending than what someone else just said.
Man, your vegan buddies are going to LOVE you. Your vegan street cred is going to go through the roof!
Of course, non-vegans will find you to be an insufferably douchey caricature of yourself, but whatevs, man. They eat carcass!
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