Wear gaudy shoes that look very obviously NOT leather.
When you go out to eat with non-vegans, be sure to harass waiters about whether there is butter or milk in the free bread that they’ve placed on your table. Personal purity is way more important than showing your dining companions that being vegan isn’t a big deal. Oh, and whey. Don’t forget about whey. That shit’ll kill ya, bro! Also, make faces of disgust when your dining companions eat or order non-vegan food. Excuse yourself to have a cry in the bathroom if you need to.
When you refer to non-vegan food, use the most offensive term for that food as possible. Carcass, corpse, secretion, udder secretion, chicken period, dead animal, you know the drill, young vegan. Always speak in ways that sound like little soundbites that you’ve memorized.
Wear clothing, and patches on your clothing and backpack, that challenge the speciesist attitudes of this fucked up world. “Meat Is Murder” is a good choice. It’s nice and subtle and it will draw open-minded people in for a conversation so they can probe your nuanced thoughts. If you run out of things to talk about, discuss whether the opposite is also true: is murder meat?
Start bringing up veganism whenever possible. One of the great things about veganism is that it’s about food, and people love to talk about food, so you have dozens of opportunities to ruin conversations every week! Even when the topic isn’t food, a good vegan will find a way. Clothes? DUH!!! Sports? The ball might be leather. Politics? Farm subsidies. The weather? Sheep and cows are sometimes left out in the cold. Feminism? Dairy cows are female, duh! The resourceful vegan will find a way. Trust me, people really want to talk about veganism and animal torture whether they know it or not, especially while they’re eating.
Say things like “that just isn’t food to me.”
If you ever have to skip a meal or wait until later because you don’t have access to vegan food, be sure to do one of two things: either complain loudly or sit in total silence while looking really hungry. This will show non-vegans how fucking serious of a person you are. Feel the pain. Love it. You’re doing it for the animals, and they appreciate it.
You know what? Fuck this! Eating with non-vegans is just too much! Stop doing it whenever possible.
As much as possible, try to stop hanging out with non-vegans. You’ll probably have to see your parents and immediate family from time to time, but you can make the best of it by refusing to eat at the same table as them and commenting on how the Thanksgiving turkey smells like a carcass.
Vegan clothing is great, but if you’re really committed to this life, you should consider getting a “Vegan” tattoo. They’re great conversation starters (and enders). And don’t hide it. Prominent places that are rarely covered by clothing like your elbow and forearm are pretty good choices. But if you really, really love animals, you’ll get it on your fucking neck. You might think that it’s weird to put your dietary preference on your face, but a lot of non-vegans are doing it now too. It’s quite common. You just haven’t noticed it because you already stopped hanging out with non-vegans months ago, right? Right? Poseur.
When you encounter a sad picture or description of something bad happening to an animal, always try to make your emotional response to it even more emotional than everyone else’s. If your friends get mad, get livid! If your friends get sad, cry. Be inconsolable. Wail. Inflicting physical harm on yourself is the next step. You can start light, maybe wear a hairshirt or just do some light self-flagellation. But if you really care, pulling your beating heart out of your chest and eating it would be The Ultimate Sacrifice!
Overall, just try to be MORE vegan than your vegan friends and your vegan street cred will go sky high. Never miss an opportunity to express a view that is more extreme or an opinion that is harder and more unbending than what someone else just said.
Man, your vegan buddies are going to LOVE you. Your vegan street cred is going to go through the roof!
Of course, non-vegans will find you to be an insufferably douchey caricature of yourself, but whatevs, man. They eat carcass!
– – thanks for reading – –
SV
Speciesist Vegan 
Why do I suspect someone de-veganised your cereal recently by peeing in it? 😉 Getting serious, it’s a pity people do feel the need to get vegan brownie points in these ways – it isn’t a competitive exercise! And I am not less of a vegan because I don’t want to have conversations about abbatoirs every. sodding. minute. (yes, my cereal was clearly also got at by the phantom pisser) or because I like the leather ‘look’ for shoes. (and sometimes other garments, but sadly I’m getting a bit old for pleather trousers now) Or indeed because my IR essay about the role of Scandinavian countries in World War 2 doesn’t involve whaling policy. I’m sure you have your own additions to that list!
On the other hand, I genuinely don’t see animal products as food these days – certainly not as potential food for me. In much the same way that the average meat-eater in the Western world doesn’t see grubs or lizards as food. I don’t make a big obnoxious deal about it, but will admit it if someone asks me how I can live without (for example) bacon.
LiseyDuck, you bring up a really good question: is vegan piss vegan? I mean, it comes from all non-animal sources, but a vegan is an animal, so…. hmmm…. tough question.
I’m trying to combine my love of humor and satire with my penchant for writing about veganism. I think humor is a good way to engage people with ideas that they might otherwise brush off. I also think ridicule can be an effective tool for getting people to examine their behavior. I don’t often use ridicule in this way to try to get through to non-vegans, because most of them already view vegans as judgmental, but I know that vegans actually have a pretty thick skin in this way. For the most part, we’ve heard all the criticisms before. I just think maybe it will mean more if it comes from an insider, rather than some omnivore or ex-vegan crank.
I just find a lot of “vegan culture” to be kind of ludicrous. If veganism really is the moral baseline like so many vegans claim, why is there so much back-patting for being vegan? Why do people wrap up so much of their identity in it? Don’t get me wrong – I’m glad that some people can find a little sanity by connecting with other vegans. I just hate the one-upmanship and the policing. Sometimes it can feel like an exercise in “who cares more?”
I have a sense of humor that runs to sarcasm and the absurd. This is a little taste of it and I hope to include more in the future. I think the uber-seriousness of the vegan movement can be a turnoff to outsiders. Why not include a little levity?
Again, I feel the need to mention that I’m still entertained by your word choices. I don’t mean that in a bad way at all. I’m just a language nerd and I really dig on slang/vernacular that is new to me. Love it.
Holy shit dood, you are totally out-cranking me! <3LOVE<3
I learned it by watching you!
Ah…they grow up so fast.
I’m 15 y/o and I started vegetarianism in January b/c I’m Buddhist. Actually, my whole family are vegetarians. You honestly inspire me. Only the few kids who are vegans are pompous and pretentious. I couldn’t care less if my friends ate meat around me. And it’s not like I never ate meat; I constantly CRAVE bacon. But I don’t eat it because it’s my personal choice. I don’t like shoving my opinions and beliefs into someone else’s face. I think certain vegans are way too over-the-top, and they do it just so they can put other people down.
Thanks, ali.
I’m curious how you’ve only been vegetarian for 10 months if your whole family is vegetarian. How does that work? I don’t mean to pry, but I’m curious.
Yup, I don’t really get or particularly like a lot of what I see in vegan culture. I’ve never had a “vegan circle” that I belong to, especially not in high school.
Take care.
“I’m curious how you’ve only been vegetarian for 10 months if your whole family is vegetarian. How does that work? ”
I’m guessing ali grew up going to a school that cooked and sold food in a cafeteria, and having non-vegetarian friends close enough to eat at each other’s homes, so not all of ali’s food came from ali’s family.
Great article, Speciest Vegan. Was this the article you were telling me about on the Let Them Eat meat thread about things vegans say?
Thanks.
No, it is not. I have not gotten around to writing that yet. I’m still trying to put together a list. I thought that they would just slowly come to me as I worked on other posts, but I’m starting to think I’m going to have to do some active research to make it happen.
My parents let me eat meat if I want to, but my family’s vegetarian. They didn’t want to force me into an eating lifestyle if I didn’t want it. I used to cook for myself and eat out just because I didn’t get enough nutrition when I was younger. I decided to join my family because of animal cruelty and because it was so much easier letting my mom cook.
Interesting. Most young veg*ans have the opposite problem where becoming veg*an actually takes more work than just eating whatever their family eats.
So, is vegetarianism pretty much the norm among the Buddhists that you know? Are non-vegetarian Buddhists criticized? How about veganism? Is that common? I must confess that I don’t know much about Buddhists.
It really depends who you talk to in the Buddhist community. We believe in karma and personal decisions. If someone wants to eat meat, they’ll just have bad karma. I’m more open and accepting of everything because americans eat tons of meat and I’ve grown up in this type of culture. My mom, on the other hand, is vegan and she used to criticize me for eating meat. It’s not like she hates people that eat meat, she just doesn’t think it’s morally correct. But then again, she used to be a Buddhist nun when she was my age. It really depends on how strict someone is.
You’re the bomb dot com, yo. Seriously….love it!!
XD Thank-you for this! You’re the aggressive vegan I wish I could be. There’s hope!
I used to be a vegan like you then I broke the rules and lost my powers
“When you refer to non-vegan food, use the most offensive term for that food as possible. Carcass, corpse, secretion, udder secretion, chicken period, dead animal, you know the drill, young vegan. Always speak in ways that sound like little soundbites that you’ve memorized.”
Especially ways that sound like little soundbites you got from the jerks who want breastfeeding moms to get out of their sight and stay home all day!
I heard “secretions, eww” and “bodily fluids, ewww” from anti-breastfeeding people years before I heard it from anti-milking-cows people.